I don't know what to do. I'm not interested in ANYTHING. Except her.

She fills my dreams, and my every waking moment is spent obsessing about a girl I've never really met, a girl who finds me, at best, an annoyance. Usually too polite to express it explicitly, her eyes and her body language scream that she wishes I would just go away. Every distraction that comes her way is a welcome one when I am there. Her excitement visibly rises when old friends come along. She is quick to focus her interest and attention elsewhere, even on things she finds frustrating, so that she may look at something, anything, that is not me, the constant specter haunting her room.

When there are no other distractions, her eyes lose focus, her hand is often covering her mouth, trying to hide the irresistible urge to yawn. When we are alone, she tries to hurry me to "goodbye", but I linger there, stupidly, oafishly, aware that I am unwanted, but unable to tear myself away.

She doesn't hate what she does, but she comes close to it when I have her trapped. I want nothing more than I want her to love me, but if I must choose between her disdain and her absence, I always choose the former. For some reason, I cannot bear the thought of the latter. Better her scorn than the abyss of my hollow, empty life.

When we do finally part, I leave feeling so very small, for I have forced this unpleasantness on a woman I profess to love, and my mind reeks with the knowledge that the object of my only desire finds me boring on my best days, repugnant on the rest.

Still I persist. The torture of pretending not to know the truth is eating me from the inside out. One day there will be nothing left, save some photographs stolen from our moments together, and a withered old husk slumped over a dirty, cum-stained chair.

3 am.  I walk the streets around my home, the air is cool but laden with moisture.  It feels good, and I am surprised by it, surprised that my body can feel anything when I am so numb.  Boxes line the streets, slumbering men, women and children lying within, dreaming their dreams, strangely detached from the world.  The sound of a million crickets comes from seemingly everywhere, the high hum of electric lights pierces the swarm, and the low rumble of a distant train faintly yet strongly grounds my symphony of solitude.  A car passes, then after a while another - other lonely souls in the night.  I wonder if they have destinations, or are, like me, wandering without aim.

The woman who has become the center of my life finds me merely an annoyance, something I've known but would not admit to myself for quite some time.  Now it cannot be denied, nor ignored, nor rationalized away as the paranoia of self-doubt.  But it took nothing less than the very words from her lips, for I will always see what I desperately need to see, even if it takes all of my imagination to make it real.  The void cannot be filled, this vacuum abhors nature, and though it is nothing, it feels like the weight of the whole world, and I think that I shall be carrying it for a long time.  Maybe until I can carry no more.

On the other side of the world, a butterfly flaps her wings.  And from that tiny current a maelstrom has swallowed my heart.

I just put a bunch of original artwork up for auction on eBay - please have a look! You can see them all here:

ralphieboy's eBay auctions





I appreciate your support! Pick up some original artwork and help a starving artist!

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I'm also doing a limited number of $25 commissions, message me if you are interested!

1 or 2 characters, pencil on bristol board, no/minimal background.   $25 per piece + you pay shipping (typically $6 in US, combined for multiple pieces) if you want the original(s).
I would also consider digital color commissions, $25 and I'll email you a hi-res scan.
I'm asking you allow me at least a 2-week turnaround as my schedule is chaotic and always changing.  (I am a leaf in the wind   )
No payment until work is complete and you've approved it.

Thanks!

Wall of Awesome

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8/16/2016
Only a few days in and I've already fallen behind! Got a few commissions going too, so it may be a few days between updates. Victor2K's suggestion of Huntress/Black Canary is done, got a few ideas for what's next too..

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Hard to decide! So many great suggestions! I'm gonna start this off with a request that predates this call for requests by quite a bit, followed by a suggestion from the first post here:

(1)

Mature Content

 Elsa from Frozen, with augmented endowment!  Suggested by queenElsafan2015
(2)  Huntress/Black Canary: Predator/Prey - Suggested by Victor2K
(3) ???


I'll post the drawings in the next few days, and pick another from the list (so many to choose from! yay!) Keep 'em coming!

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OK, here's the rules and explanation:

• Put a request in the comments of this Journal Entry
• I pick a request and draw it
• If I pick your request, your icon goes up on the wall of awesome, you get a high-res scan
• I post the pic as a deviation, crediting you for the concept
• I sell the actual drawing on eBay. (because I am a money loving capitalist pig)
• repeat daily or as often as possible
  

Well, like I said in my last journal entry, if the auctions go well I'm gonna draw and post more. Looking over what I've done, I clearly need a little more variety. Maybe you would like to help?

If there is something in particular you would like to see, post a comment here describing it. If I get some requests that I think I can work with, I'll pick one every day or every few days and give it a shot. I'll post the result as a deviation, add the submitter's icon to the hall-of-awesome wall (or something like that - this idea is still a work in progress), send the submitter a hi-res scan, and try to sell the actual drawing on eBay.

So while the idea is to stray from my normal comfort zone a bit, I'm clearly not going to do Godzilla vs. Mothra in a beach-bikini-volleyball-deathmatch. Although that would probably be pretty cool. The goal is to end up with pieces I can sell, so I am more likely to pick cheesecake over just about anything else.

Here's some pics you can find for sale on eBay, seller ralphieboy7.   You can see them all here:

www.ebay.com/sch/m.html?item=1…

If these do well, I'll be drawing and posting more pics.  Thanks for looking!

Auctions run from 8:13 pm until 8:30 pm eastern time, tonight only (Thursday, 8/11/2016)